Why We Grieve Differently

How You Grieve Depends on Who You Are

The emotional effects of the events of September 11 were felt by people everywhere, from those who lost loved ones to those who were at the scene to the rest of us who saw or heard it on the news. As the first anniversary of these events approaches, many people may once again feel the same emotional effects as they did a year ago — or suddenly develop other feelings they haven't experienced before.

Shock. Numbness. Sadness. Anger. Denial. Guilt. Anxiety. Helplessness. All are common feelings associated with grief. Chances are you have felt one or all of them at times over the past year, even if you didn't know anyone who died as a direct result of the event.

Grieving is a normal part of healthy living. Many factors influence how we grieve, for how long, how openly, and how intensely. People in the same family won't grieve in the same way just because they are related. Each of us is a unique combination of diverse experiences. Our individual personalities and attitudes influence how we accept the circumstances around us and cope with stressful situations.

Past Experience

We may have faced loss somewhere in our childhood, adolescence or adulthood that, depending on age and circumstances, have been particularly frightening or eventful. How you responded to past loss depends, in part, on what immediate and ongoing support you received and how you expressed your feelings. Other events, such as a recent move to a new area, financial difficulties, a recent hospitalization or an ill family member could also compound a situation.

Family culture also influences how you respond. Perhaps your family has conditioned you to respond in a particular way to loss and the emotions of grief.

Present Influences

Our personality, present stability of mental health and coping behavior each play a significant role in our response to loss. You may not be sure how to respond because of certain expectations others have of you. Are you the "strong one" or is it all right to break down and have someone else take care of you? Your friends, relatives or coworkers may pressure you to react one way when you want to react another.

Discovering strengths and comfort in your social, cultural and ethnic backgrounds, and focusing on religious or philosophical beliefs can play an important part in recovery. Identifying the positive social support in your life can help give you strength during this emotional upheaval.

Circumstances Surrounding the Death

When a loved one dies, the surrounding circumstances influence our acceptance of the loss. Was the loss in keeping with the laws of nature as when a person succumbs to old age? Or was order thrown into chaos, as when a parent lives to see a child pass? Could this have been prevented or forestalled?

In grieving, we sometimes ask ourselves about things we can't control, such as whether or not the deceased had accomplished what he or she was meant to fulfill; or if that person had lived a full and rewarding life. You may wonder if anything was left unsaid or undone.

Ongoing Process

When those around us are coping with loss, this same understanding is essential. Thus we can guard against a temptation to compare or to judge their grief responses to our own. Awareness of those factors that affect the manner, intensity or duration of grief enables us to guide the grieving person in seeking support appropriate to the nature of their loss and the unique way it affects them.

When someone in our life dies, understanding the uniqueness can guide us in both finding the support we will need and in recognizing when help should come from outside family or friends.

There are no easy answers or short cuts to help deal with grief. It's a complex and natural process and it takes time — sometimes, a very long time. Remember, life has changed. You may grieve in your own individual way, but remember to rely on the open minds and support of others to help cope with your range of emotions.

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